


I Will Not Bow

by SoldierBorn87



Series: As Your Shadow Crosses Mine [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Absent Parents, Angst, Big Brothers, Brother Feels, Family Drama, Gen, Pagan Gods, Parent-Child Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 03:35:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2052087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoldierBorn87/pseuds/SoldierBorn87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why Gabriel came to be Loki.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First, I'd like to let you all know that while this fic can certainly stand on its, it is primarily a prologue to a much larger series centering around Cas and Daphne's relationship.
> 
> Second, and as always, this fic would not be possible without all the help and encouragement I have received from my dear friend Ruby. Thanks babe. You're awesome.
> 
> Third, the title comes from a [Gabriel fanvid](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAtmsuOnLac) I adore. So I'd like to say a special thanks to Barbara Somethingerother for creating such a wonderful video.

Gabriel is the youngest.

Raphael often teases him, telling him whenever Michael isn’t watching that this means he is the weakest. That it’s why he can only ever serve Heaven in a capacity secondary to that of his brothers. He is an Archangel in name only.

Gabriel tries not to listen to Raff, but it’s hard. He knows he’s not as strong as Michael or as charismatic as Lucifer or as dependable as Raphael.

“But you are clever,” Lucifer reminds him.

“Yeah, and what’s that worth?” Gabriel complains. “Dad doesn’t trust me to lead legions like he does all of you.”

“That’s because he made you special,” Lucifer says, their wings brushing as he wraps a comforting arm around Gabriel’s shoulders. “You are his voice, Gabe. The one he trusts to convey his orders and sound the Horn of Truth. Do not underestimate your importance.”

“Lucifer is right,” Michael affirms, from his perch above them. “Your duty to Heaven is not the same as ours, but that does not mean it has any less value.”

Gabriel smiles. He loves his brothers.

Yes, Michael is a bit standoffish, but he is also loyal and kind and Lucifer, while sometimes self-absorbed, never fails to stand by Gabriel’s side. In truth, Gabriel feels that they are the greatest blessing their Father has ever granted him and as long as his brothers are with him, he knows everything will be okay.

* * *

“They’re disgusting, broken creatures incapable of the love and faith our Father deserves. Honestly, I don’t know why he created them.”

“Perhaps,” Gabriel says, watching Lucifer pace. “He created them _because_ they could choose not to love him. Maybe he wants to be loved not out of obligation, but because he is worth being loved?”

Gabriel can certainly understand the feeling. He loves his brothers and he knows they love him, but sometimes he wonders if they only love him because they _are_ brothers. It’s not a comforting thought.

“But we love him. Truly. Faithfully. Why isn’t that enough?”

Michael sighs. “It doesn’t matter, Lucifer. He created them and has commanded us to love and protect them. Our purpose is to obey, not question or judge.”

“Michael, how can you love them? They’re so… so _vile_. Many of them happily embody all that our Father opposes: wrath, sloth, greed, gluttony, pride, lust, _envy_. Where is the worth in that?”

“Some of them try to be better,” Gabriel says.

“But they still fail.”

“Let it go, Lucifer. What our Father has decreed, we must do.”

“But –”

“Enough!” Michael stands, pushing into Lucifer’s space. “If you love our Father as you say then you will stop acting like a child and do as he has commanded you.”

Gabriel watches his brothers glare at each other, neither willing to back down. It scares him. Lucifer and Michael have been inseparable for as long as he has known them; they are the best of companions. They never fight.

“Fine,” Lucifer finally says, taking a step back. “I can see when my opinion is not wanted.”

Lucifer quickly takes wing and is gone.

Gabriel moves to go after him, but Michael stops him. “Let him go. He just needs some time to think things through. He’ll see our Father knows best.”

Gabriel nods even though he’s not so sure.

* * *

The fighting gets worse. Raphael sides with Michael and soon both of them refuse to listen to anything Lucifer has to say, even if it has nothing to do with the humans. It breaks Gabriel’s heart.

He hates seeing his brothers so divided.

He prays to their Father, asks him to intercede, but he gets no response.

_You’re supposed to love us too_ , he thinks as he looks down on the earth. He tries to see with his Father’s eyes, with Michael’s faith, but honestly, he just hears Lucifer’s voice whispering again: what’s so great about humanity?

Maybe Lucifer is right. Maybe their Father has abandoned them. Maybe…

_No!_

No, Gabriel shakes his head. He can’t believe that. He won’t.

Their Father hears his prayers. He cares. He will show Lucifer – show all of them – that he has a plan, that he is still worthy of their love and trust, and then everything will be okay again. Gabriel just has to be patient, be faithful.

* * *

“When was the last time you heard from him, Michael? Tell me! I want to have your faith in him.”

_Stop_.

“Then have faith! Trust in what he has commanded us.”

“No! I want him to tell me why those abominations are so deserving of his love, but not us.”

_Please stop._

“Maybe if you would do as you’re told and obey –”

“But don’t you see? Obedience means nothing to him. _Our love_ means nothing to him!”

Gabriel covers his ears as his brothers continue to shout at one another. He can’t take this anymore. He can’t watch them tear each other apart. The fighting is going to come to physical blows soon and that is not something Gabriel is prepared to witness. He loves both Michael and Lucifer too much.

So he does the only thing he can do. He runs.

Gabriel stretches his wings and races to furthest reaches of the universe, Raphael’s words chasing him, taunting him for the first time in ages, telling him exactly how weak and pathetic he is as he flies. But he doesn’t let it stop him. He can’t.

Instead he pushes himself farther and faster than he ever has before, passing whole galaxies in an instant. And just as his wings start to really feel the strain he comes up short. There is a star, new and still coming together, that has caught his eye.

Much like the first star he ever saw, it’s breath taking and amazing and it reminds him of everything he loves about his Father’s creations. The complexities of them, the details in them, the sheer amount of thought and care that seems to go into each so that the whole universe can come together in exactly the way their Father has intended.

It’s awe-inspiring.

Lucifer is right, humanity is broken and at times unfathomably awful, but Michael is also right. Their Father created humanity and that in and of itself means humanity is worthy of their love.

“So what do I do?” Gabriel begs. “They’re both too stubborn to forgive and I can’t keep watching them fight. I can’t, Dad. I really can’t. It’s destroying me.”

If there’s one thing Gabriel envies humanity, it is the ability to cry. Because right now there is a pain so deep within him that he is powerless before it and yet, he has no way to express it outside of prayer.

“Tell me what to do, Father. Please. I feel so lost.”

Gabriel waits and waits and waits, but he never receives an answer.


	2. Chapter 2

Gabriel doesn’t return to Heaven.

There’s no point.

He knows a war is brewing between his brothers. He can feel it. It’s a war so powerful, so full of hurt and anger, that it may very well destroy any remaining love his brothers still hold for one another, which is something Gabriel cannot bear to be a part of. 

It makes him feel like a coward and a fraud, not returning, not facing them at least one last time, not explaining, but what else can he do? God has abandoned him. Them. And he’d rather never see his brothers again then be forced to take sides and abandon one brother for the other. He won’t do it.

He won’t!

So he goes to the world God created, finds a vessel, and tries to lose himself in the ridiculousness that is mortal existence. It’s not much, but, all things considered, he’ll take any distraction he can find.

* * *

“Gabriel.”

He turns to see Raphael, clothed in a human vessel of his own, coming towards him.

“Raff,” he says, turning back to the sunrise he’d been observing. “Leave.” He knows what his brother has come to say and he has no desire to hear it.

As always, Raphael ignores him.

“It’s over,” he proclaims. “Lucifer has been cast out. You can come home now.”

Gabriel sighs. As far as he’s concerned his home doesn’t exist anymore.

When it becomes clear that Gabriel has no intention of responding, Raphael huffs and stomps closer to him. “Look,” he says. “I know you loved him. I did too. But we have to put our Father’s will first. Heaven’s future depends on it.”

Gabriel closes his eyes. “You mean your future.”

“What?”

“Your future depends on obeying God’s will.”

He still possesses the Horn. Gabriel knows, probably better than anyone, what is coming, what fate God has decreed for all of them.

And he hates him for it.

“Gabriel, you’re not making any sense. Just get up out of the dirt and come back with me. Michael has need of you. There are troops –”

“I thought you said I wasn’t good enough to lead?” Gabriel interrupts.

“What I think does not matter. It’s not my decision to make. So let’s just –”

“No.” Gabriel says, opening his eyes and noting absently that the sun is now more than halfway above the horizon. It’s stunning, even if it is getting too bright for his vessel’s eyes to tolerate.

“Excuse me?”

“I said no. I will not return to Heaven with you.”

“You insolent little shit,” Raphael says, grapping Gabriel by the arm and hauling him up so their face to face. “Now is not the time for one of your temper tantrums. You have a duty and if you aren’t going to uphold it then you can damn well rot in the cage with Lucifer.”

“I don’t think so,” Gabriel says, yanking out of Raphael’s hold and drawing his sword.

“Really, Gabe?”

“Really.”

Their swords clash like thunder, each strike shaking the earth around them. Raphael is strong and he’s fast, but Gabriel has the advantage of being more comfortable in his vessel and knowing when exactly he should press that advantage. Michael may have taught them both the sword, but only one of them bothered to learn tactics from Lucifer.

Gabriel is patient. He waits for his moment and when it comes he doesn’t hesitate.

The look of horrified shock on Raphael’s face when he suddenly finds himself on the ground with Gabriel’s sword pressed to his throat is almost comical. It’s also deeply satisfying.

“You’ll pay for this,” he hisses.

“Maybe,” Gabriel shrugs. “But that’s my choice to make.”

And before Raphael can respond, Gabriel disappears.

* * *

Free me, Lucifer whispers to him in the night.

_I can’t, you’ll destroy it all._

_Heed. Me._ Michael commands him throughout the day.

_No, I won’t help you kill him._

Gabriel is walking through a city – he knows not where, nor does he care – all that matters is that it’s crowded and busy, that it helps him to not only hide, but also to forget his brothers’ words.

Gabriel sighs, wishing with all his being that they would stop. It’s too much.

Gabriel feels like he’s falling. He feels empty and useless and without hope. He is a servant without a master to serve. What is he supposed to do with no father and no brothers and no companions? With no commandments and no guidance? With no purpose?

He doesn’t want to die. He knows that much.

But he doesn’t want to keep going like this either.

Lucifer and Michael are slowly driving him mad and Raphael is hunting him with great intent. He’s already forced Gabriel to burn through six vessels. Six. If he doesn’t get some sort of reprieve soon, Gabriel doesn’t know what he’ll do. No one can fight, can run, for all eternity without a cause to keep them strong. It’s just not possible. There has to be something to hope for, something to work towards; it’s the way God designed all his creations.

Gabriel passes a pagan statue and it strikes him suddenly: God didn’t create everything that exists in this world.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic that has been a long time in coming (almost two years) and is one that personally means a lot to me. I hope you all enjoy it.
> 
> Comments are always welcome and, if you're interested, this is my [tumblr](http://soldier-born87.tumblr.com).


End file.
